Finally, finally, finally. A New York finale.
written 2000-03-03 03:34:31

...for those that missed this fact, I'm in Charlotte, and I am kickin' it
in Skyland with a glass of Sweet Tea and a plate of biscuits while I type
this. Across from me are a bunch of dancers and bouncers that just got
off work at one of the strip clubs down the road. I always liked Skyland,
because I imagine this is what Jerry Springer's dressing rooms look like.

Ah, the Progressive New South.

But first, let me wrap up what happened in New York really quickly. See
how behind I am?

Uh, let's see...what wasn't computer geeky, yet still worth mentioning? I
almost got into a fight with the Teamsters at the convention center,
since I broke into the storage area to get Loki's boxes during the
breakdown. Apparently we aren't allowed to move our own boxes, since
otherwise, these poor teamsters would have no reason to live. After the
second trip back to the storage area, some painfully urban union boss
caught me lifting a cardboard box...which is apparently intolerable to
these guys. I was escorted back to the show floor by two goons and the
ghost of Jimmy Hoffa.

Hours later, after being the last exhibitors to get our boxes (don't piss
off Teamsters, because they WILL beat you), we packed up and headed to
dinner. In a stretch limo. You can buy ANYTHING for dirt cheap on the
streets of New York. For thirty bucks, seven of us rode in comfort to
Chinatown. We thought it was the Chinese New Year...apparently we were a
few days early, so instead of arriving to see dragons and fireworks we
arrove to see the same filthy city as elsewhere...with a little more

With the exception of Jim, who considers everything past New Jersey to be
"out west," none of the other Loki guys understood the principle of
eating chinese food in New York City. There are NO restaurants that sit
you down, take your coat, give you a nice pot of tea,'d be
lucky not to catch a disease in most of them.

That is, unless you know the correct process for selecting a
restaurant. There's two steps to this process:

1) Find the restaurant with the most rediculous name. Chances are they
know nothing about American advertising, which means they probably know
how to cook up a storm. So avoid places with names like "China
Delights" and "King Tien's Oriental Palace", and look for something more
along the lines of "Happy Duck Chinese Food." Remember to distinguish
between poor grammar and an absurd name...this is a common mistake made
by first-time visitors to Chinatown.

2) If in doubt, ask a cop. Police in New York know full well that their
badges label them as tour guides for Out-of-Towners. If you watch NYPD
Blue, you would think this would piss them off, but it doesn't, since you
will probably be the only person in the course of the night that will
talk to them like a human being, and you will DEFINITELY be the only one
that talks to them with respect.

The cop we asked had the THICKEST Bronx accent I have ever heard. This
guy was a Pizon, through and through. So it shouldn't come as a surprise
that his response was, "I don't eat no chink food. But there's a GREAT
Italian restaurant right down that road..."

For the life of me, I can't remember the name of that restaurant, but it
was the best food I think I've ever had. I've never been grateful for
cops before.

At dinner we discussed the upcoming expos we would be attending. Among
them is the Electronic Entertainment Expo, or "E3" for short. The reason
I bring it up is this: Unlike LinuxWorld, it's a show dedicated to video
games, and nothing but video games. Seeing as this is the case, the main
clientele for this show are horny young men, that do nothing all day but
jockey their to speak. Since the main characterics of this
demographic are hormones and a short attention span, it follows naturally
that every company with a booth at E3 is going to need SOMETHING to catch
their eye and hold onto it like a bucking bronco for as long as possible.

The solution: Booth babes.

If you've never heard that term before, the plan goes something like
this: a couple of days before the show, the town is stripmined for
beautiful girls by game companies. They hire every stripper, exotic
dancer, prostitute, and catholic school girl they can, dress them up like
Laura Croft, and plant them in the company's booth. The girls are
effectively paid to be dick magnets.

If I'm not mistaken, E3 takes place in Las Vegas, so no worries: this
will be decidedly not the most gaudy display of sexual exploitation in

Still, not to be outdone, Loki has already hired a booth babe. Her name
is Asia. Asia Carrera. She's a porn star. I've already seen the Loki
jersey with her name on it.

I thought I might do some research about her and see who I'll be hanging
out with during E3. After punching "Asia Carrera" into a 'net search
engine, I expected to get about 8,000,000 pages of results.

Fortunately, the first one on the list was
...who says domain-dipping doesn't work?

So apparently we've hired a computer geek porn star...which seems
appropriate to me. She runs her own website and writes the HTML by hand.

Oh, and she's been in over 300 porn movies. I am alternately impressed
and repulsed by this fact.

Anyhow, I'm in Charlotte for the week, so I'll probably see a lot of you
mailing list folks soon, if I haven't already. And, since I'm not hacking
video games and map editors (much) this week, I'll actually be able to
REPLY to email. Oooh...


back to digest